ODDMENTS |
The Northerners
In the beginning the Lord God Almighty, turned to his best mate,
the archangel Gabriel and said to him, “Gabby, I've a bit of spare
time today so I am going to create a beautiful part of the Earth
and I will call it Northern England. I will make a country of breath-taking
beauty, with big clear lakes, rolling green fells, purple heather
moorlands, rich green forests, and dark craggy mountains which from
time to time will be covered with snow. There will be many dales
that will twist through the fells and mountains. These dales will
have clear, swift flowing streams and rivers with many waterfalls,
and these streams will overflow with salmon and trout.
The land shall be lush, green, and fertile for the people to raise
their sheep and cattle, and to grow their crops. The land will be
rich with metals and minerals which will be eagerly sought by people
throughout the land. Underneath the land there will be rich seams
of coal that the people will mine to provide warmth for themselves
and others.
Around the coast I will make some of the most beautiful areas in
the world, sandy beaches, and high cliffs that will attract all
manner of wildlife. There will be islands that will bring pleasure
to all that see and visit them. In the waters around these shores
there will be an abundance of sealife.
The people who live there will be called Northerners and they will
be the friendliest people upon this Earth”.
Excuse me my Lord”, interrupted the archangel Gabriel, “Don't
you think that you are being a bit too generous to these Northerners?”
" Don’t be daft lad,” replied the Lord, “Wait until you see
the neighbours that I am giving them”.
Rain
(Anonymous, but a favourite of IM. In tune with most hardened
ramblers!.)
It rained and it rained and rained and rained,
The average fall was well maintained,
And when the tracks were simply bogs,
It started raining cats and dogs.
After a drought of half an hour,
We had a most refreshing shower,
And then the most curious thing of all,
A gentle rain began to fall.
Next day was also fairly dry,
Save for the deluge from the sky,
Which wetted the party to the skin,
And after that the rain set in.
A walking economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist.
He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend asks, "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation,
and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
Freddie
Freddie and some of her fellow walkers came around the bend to
find an enormous brown bear about 75 yards up the trail. The bear
spies them and begins running toward them at a full gallop. Freddie
drops her pack, sits down, throws off her walking shoes, and starts
lacing up a pair of track shoes. The other walkers say: "What are
you doing? You will never outrun that bear!". Freddie replies: "I
don't have to outrun the bear...".
When she took up serious walking, Freddie was astounded by the
wide selection of running and walking shoes available at the local
sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of running shoes,
she noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk: "What is this little
pocket thing here on the side for?". And the clerk: "Oh, that's
to carry spare change so you can call your partner to come pick
you up when you've walked too far".
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a
young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood.
They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their
way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her
kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his
younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck
to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came
running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house
was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked
her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied "When I see
two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better
run too!".
Freddie goes out for a training walk. She comes to a river and
cannot see a bridge anywhere nearby. She spots a blonde on the opposite
bank. "Yoohoo!" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?".
The blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
"You're already on the other side!"
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Walk on water!
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the
pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's
filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see
the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they
get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for.
Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the
muck kills dolphins. So Jesus decides to take action and strides
across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy
water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful
of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but
soon the water is up to Paul's chin.
"Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere,
but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown."
At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul.
"Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the
pipe like me, you silly fool?"
Deer stalkers in Scotland
Two stalkers are walking across a remote moor in the West Highlands
when one suddenly cries out and falls to the ground.
He doesn't appear to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in
his head, so his friend panics and calls 999 on his mobile telephone.
''My friend is dead!'' he cries. ''What can I do?''
The operator, speaking in a soothing voice, tries to calm him down.
''Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.''
The line goes silent for a moment and there's a loud bang before
the man comes back on the line. ''Okay,'' he says breathlessly,
''Now what?''
Walking through a field
Paddy and Michael were walking through a field and Paddy said
"Can you see that forest over there?"
Michael replied "No, those trees are in the way."
A group of friends went out rambling one day and decided to pair
off in twos for the afternoon.
That evening one of them returned alone, staggering under the weight
of a heavy rucksack.
"Where's Fred?" the other ramblers ask.
Fred's partner, Brian, replied, "Fred must have had a heart
attack. He just keeled over and died a couple of miles back up the
path."
The other ramblers gasped and then one of them asked, "You
left Fred laying out there and carried the rucksack back?"
"It was a difficult decision," nodded Brian. "But
I thought that nobody would steal Fred."
Map reading!
One day, three men were out hiking in a remote area of the Highlands
and came upon a violent, raging river. They had to get to the other
side, but had no idea how to do so safely.
Being a very devout person, the first man dropped to his knees and
prayed, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross
this river." In a blinding flash of light, God gave him big,
strong arms and legs and he was able to swim across the river -
almost drowning a couple of times on the way.
Seeing this, the second man thought he'd do something similar, saying,
"Please God, give me the strength … and the tools to
cross this river." In a second blinding flash of light, God
gave him big, strong arms and legs… and a rowing boat, so
he too was able to cross the river - almost capsizing the boat a
couple of times on the way over.
The third man was amazed at how this had worked for his pals and
he also prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength and
the tools … and the intelligence to cross this river."
In a third blinding flash of light, God turned him into a woman!
She looked at her map, hiked a couple of hundred yards upstream
and walked across the bridge!
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No comment!
The laird is walking through his estate when he finds a young
woman lying naked in the heather.
''Are you game?'' he asks the babe.
''Yes'' she replies.
So he shoots her.
Groan!
Two packets of crisps are walking down a road. A car driver ofers
them a lift. They said "no thank you we're walkers".
God and the Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic
trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said
to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging
towards him. Running as fast as he could up the path, he looked
over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Every time he looked, the bear was closer. He tripped, fell to
the ground, and rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear
right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising
his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came from the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others
that I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to
count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, and replied: "It
would be hypocritical of me to ask You to treat me as a Christian
now, but perhaps could You make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The brilliant light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said,
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy
bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."
Julie Andrews!
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews
made a special appearance at Manhattans Radio City Music Hall for
the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed
was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound
Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used.
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Walter's artistic impressions!
And mentioning no names!
Also recommend:
The
Munro Tick and other bizarre humour from The
Angry Corrie.
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WALTER'S POEMS
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| I
wandered lonely as a cloud |
Wild
Garlic |
I wandered lonely as a cloud,
O'er hill and fell,
But everywhere I went that day,
I found that awful smell.
The Farmer he had spread his muck,
He'd sprayed it far and wide,
Pity my fellow rambler,
For that smell he can't abide.
The muck was slimy neath his boot,
And in this muck he slipped,
Down he fell upon his face,
And from this slime he sipped.
He lay there in this sorry state,
His friends were filled with mirth,
He'd stained his brand new Goretex,
And that had cost the earth.
He ate his lunch with unwashed hands,
He sat with furrowed brow,
He'd come upon a crunchy bit,
T'was something from a cow.
Far too late to spit it out,
He swallowed without relish,
Then came along the stomach pains,
And soon those pains were Hellish.
As he on his death bed lay,
His friends all gathered around,
Waiting for those final words,
They did not make a sound.
"I shall die a rich man",
Out loud his words did ring,
"For I have sold that recipe,
To McDonalds and Burger King".
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Maggie, Maggie, waxing lyrical,
Of garlic growing wild,
That plant has her enraptured,
That smell has her beguiled.
Wild garlic ever spreading,
Through England's valleys green,
Leaving behind it's legacy,
A smell that's quite obscene.
Garlic, garlic, growing wild,
In valley and in dell,
How can anyone like it,
It's such an awful smell.
Smelling like the Paris Metro,
On a steamy summer's day,
But do we need to be like France,
That's not the English way.
Get rid of all our garlic,
Give it to the French,
Clean up the English valleys,
We can remove that stench.
In good harmony we should live,
With our friends in the EU,
The French will love our garlic,
We'll make amends for Waterloo.
Maggie, Maggie, she is pleading,
To her heart it is quite dear,
"Save our English garlic,
Please leave it over here".
Maggie, Maggie, ever eloquent,
Of garlic growing wild,
But how can Maggie be so wrong,
The poor misguided child.
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OTHER POEMS
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In Defense Of The Humble Garlic - a.k.a.
An Ode to Garlic (With thanks to Hannah Howard)
You're a cousin of onion, shallot, chive, and leek,
But it's you, precious garlic, that I gleefully seek.
Is it your pungent fragrance, a magical thing?
You add gorgeous dimension! You make dishes sing!
Place a clove on your cutting board, give your knife blade a pop
Remove the delicate skin, and your garlic's ready to chop.
I add you to pesto, sauces, and vinaigrette,
For stir-frying veggies, you're the perfect bet.
I throw you in the oven and roast you whole,
Till you're golden and toasty-so much flavour and soul!
Then I spread you on a baguette and drizzle with oil
And I'm a happy person, undoubtedly spoiled.
You're a magic elevator of potatoes and spinach,
and hummus and couscous-I'll have more when I'm finished.
You make roast chicken a spectacular dish.
You amplify my steak, my salads, my fish.
Garlic butter! Garlic soup! Garlic bread!
Your wild deliciousness is getting to my head.
Dear garlic, I need you. please don't leave me alone
A house without garlic is a sad kind of home.
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